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How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

JUST TOO CUTE.

This is the cleanest E-mail joke
I've come across in a long while!

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh ! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

@ PRISON
@ WORK
you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell
you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle
you get three meals a day fully paid for
you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it
you get time off for good behavior
you get more work for good behavior
the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself
you can watch TV and play games
you could get fired for watching TV and playing games
you get your own toilet
you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat
they allow your family and friends to visit
you aren't even supposed to speak to your family
all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required    
you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners
you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars
you must deal with sadistic wardens
they are called managers
THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!
Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to check emails.

The Wooden Bowl

I guarantee you will remember the tale of the Wooden Bowl
tomorrow, a week from
now, a month from now, a year from now.

A frail old man
went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and
four-year - old grandson.

The old man's hands
trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.

The family ate
together at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and

failing sight made
eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor.

When he grasped the
glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.

The son and
daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.
'We must do
something about father,' said the son.

'I've had enough of
his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor.'

So
the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.

There, Grandfather ate
alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner.

Since Grandfather had
broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.

When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction,
sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.

Still, the only words
the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped
 a fork or spilled food.

The four-year-old watched it
all in silence.

One evening before
supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the
floor.

He asked the child
sweetly, 'What are you making?' Just as sweetly, the boy responded,

'Oh, I am making a
little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up.

' The four-year-old smiled and  went back to
work.

The words so struck the parents so that they were
speechless.

Then tears started to
stream down their cheeks.

Though no word was
spoken, both knew what must be done.

That evening the
husband took Grandfather's hand and  gently  led him back
to the family table.

For the remainder of
his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason,

neither husband nor
wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk
spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

On a positive note, I've
learned that, no matter what happens,

how bad it seems
today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I've
learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she
handles four things:

a rainy day, the
elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I've learned that, regardless of your relationship with your
parents,

you'll miss them when
they're gone from your life.

I've learned that making a
'living' is not the same thing as making a 'life..'

I've
learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I've
learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on
both hands.

You need to be able to
throw something back

I've learned that if
you pursue happiness, it will elude you

But,  if you
focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others,  

your work and doing
the very best you can, happiness will find you

I've learned
that whenever I decide  something with an open heart, I usually
make the right decision.

I've learned that even when I have
pains, I don't have to be one.

I've learned that every day,
you should reach out and touch someone.

People love that
human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on
the back.

I've learned that I still have a lot to
learn.

I've learned that you should pass this on to everyone
you care about .I just did.

Microsoft vs GM

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill 's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer!

You may have seen this before... 

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong e-mail address ...

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their
honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on
Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his
room, s o he decided to send a e-mail to his wife. However, he
accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home
from her husband's fune ra l. He was a minister who wa s called home to
glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from
relatives and friend s. After reading the first message, she screamed
and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here
now and you are allowed to send E-mails to your loved ones. I've just
arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!

SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER......  

 You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have   to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our   pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.  

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived   and we opened the front door to leave the house.  
 
The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the   bird.  

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The   cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,   "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."  

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket   to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"  

The cab driver hit a parked car. 

Bottle of wine A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days'. Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God!' But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive. The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man. The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?' The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police....' MORAL OF THE STORY : Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with us

Boat

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?").

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left. MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. Send this to four women/girls who are thinkers. If you received this, you know you're intelligent

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, 'This is the dumbest kid in the world.  Watch while I prove it to you.'

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.'What did I tell you?' said the barber. 'That kid never learns!'

When the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. 'Hey, son! May I ask you a question?    Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'

The boy licked his cone and replied, 'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!

I was feeling a little nosey, so I thought I would look in on you and see if you are sitting at your computer...   Yup, there you are, doing nothing!

6 TRUTHS OF LIFE

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first 'truth', will try it.

3. The first truth is a lie.

4. You are smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You will soon forward this to another idiot.

6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.

Four Animals

There is a very, very tall coconut tree, and there are 4 animals:

King Kong, Ape, Orangutang and a Monkey pass by.

They have a competition to see Who is the fastest to get the banana.
Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality. Try and answer within 30
seconds

Got your answer? Scroll down to see the analysis.

If your answer is ....

Orangutan = dull/stupid

Ape = foolish

Monkey = idiot

King Kong = stupid

Why ?????
Coconut tree, doesn't have bananas .........??

It's obvious you're stressed by ur work. Go home!

A Dog's Purpose (from a 6-year-old).

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife, Lisa, and their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle.

I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.

As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.

The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why."

Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation.

He said, "People are born so that they can learn how to live a good Life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?" The six-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long."

G. W. Bush and Bill Clinton

G. W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked On by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both Afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the
Barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the after shave. Clinton was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my Wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.' The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you?'  Bush replied, 'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.